Dear Lachlan,

I love you. I always have. I love your smile, your eyes, your beard, your eye lashes, your eye brows, your teeth, your belly, your smelly feet, your everything. I have come to accept every flaw you have that I know. Even your small amount of attention span. I'm totally crazy about you. You've become a big part of my world since the first time we talked.

These past few days, it feels like you're slipping away from my grasp. I understand that you're trying to have fun in Bali and forget all the problems and stress back home, but please don't neglect me. You can have fun all you want but can't you at least spend even juts 5 minutes of your time to call me? Is that too much to ask? 

At first, I thought it's probably juts me PMSing. I even cried last Sunday because you keep on ignoring me. When you said no overnight calls while you're in Bali, I didn't expect it to be no  calls at all. You barely message me, too. I'm trying to understand but I couldn't. If you're really into us, why can't you spare a little time to at least communicate with me? When you were in Bali last year, you would even go sleep in the living room just so we can have an overnight call but now seems to be different. Have you fallen out of love? Have you found somebody actually worth of your precious time? Did I do something wrong? Am I too ugly or too fat now?

Earlier, I asked you to call me tonight and you agreed. Tonight came and I'm still waiting for your call. You sent me a 3 second video and said that that's it. I asked  what about the call. You told me that you're not trying to neglect me but there are people around. By people, you meant your family and friend. Remember when you called me yesterday in Viber because I asked you to? I was at the student lounge where a lot of strangers are around. I didn't mind them and still answered your call because I've been wanting to see your face and hear your voice. Now you're telling me I have to understand that you cannot call me because your family and friend are around? Is it me or you're just really not into me anymore?

Please tell me soon so I don't have to waste my time waiting for your texts and calls. Tell me soon so we can end this, whatever we have here, as soon as we can. 

Sad, frustrated, and mad.

I've wanted to cry ever since this morning but I only got to let it out now.

I hate Lach with compassion. Ever since he got to Bali, he rarely messages me. He wouldn't viber me if I wouldn't viber him first. It's just so fucking frustrating! I understand that he's with family and that they are busy being out and enjoying Bali. But can't he find just a minute to message me? I just hate being ignored especially by him. Being on a holiday doesn't give you the fucking right to ignore me. You can't tell me "Please be considerate" etc etc. I am trying to be considerate but can't you call me at least once a day? The distance between us is already killing me, don't make the communication difficult, too because I might go crazy. I messaged him earlier this morning if he could at least call me because I miss him so bad and I don't feel alright. He messaged me after a few hours and said that they will head out again soon. It was alright for me, I understand. Two hours later, he posted a picture of him in a pool. That means he's already in the villa for a good forty-five minutes now (because the post says it was posted 45 minutes ago) but he didn't even bother messaging or calling me given that he has knowledge of my loneliness.  I was so hurt. It feels like he's purposely ignoring me. Am I part of those things he left behind in Australia? Is he trying to enjoy the peace thinking that he doesn't have to deal with me that much? What I'm feeling right now is a mixture of sadness and anger.

Times like this when he's giving me the chance to have second thoughts whether he's the right one for me or not. Maybe I'm also mad at the conclusion that he's not thinking of me as much as I am thinking of him.

BALI

In my first post about Bali, I have listed the reasons why I should not come join my boyfriend and his family in Bali. My boyfriend didn't stop persuading me to go or he will stop and not talk to me at all unless I say yes. Finally, I have come to a decision to go and join them on August 26 - 29. I will be not attending 2 says of uni which isn't that bad. I will be missing some lessons but I'll try to catch up. Our midterm exams just ended and we're now in our final term. And in less than a week, I will be flying to Bali.

I don't know what made me change my mind. Perhaps because I love my boyfriend so much that I would miss uni just to see him? Maybe I couldn't stand him not talking to me for a day or two? Maybe because I am really really thirst for another out of the country travel? Yeah, it's probably all of those reasons. It's all good, though. Aside from the lessons, I'm not gonna miss anything much. And at least I'm gonna be able to celebrate Lach's birthday with him. This is gonna be the first time that we're going to see each other in the middle of the year. Usually it's either May or December. I'm pretty stoked, to be honest. I can't wait to finally see him, hug him, and kiss him again. I can't wait to cuddle him in bed and to have midnight sex. I'm pretty excited for Bali, too! This is going to be my second time to go out of the country and it's the same year as my first! How cool is that?