The Art of Letting Go

Lach and I are no longer together.

I don't know where to start. It's been almost a week since he told me that he's talking to this girl he met online while here in the Philippines. It's also been a week since they first met. It's been a week since I lost him.

He said he's been thinking about breaking up with me for quite a while now, but when we went to Bali and had a great time together, he decided against it. He said that he's not in love with me anymore. I don't even know. I'm always thinking it's the girl who made us break up. I thought we were doing great and then one night, he told me he's been talking to a girl he met on TripAdvisor and they met up. I didn't get any sleep that night. It just hurts so much no matter how many times he apologize.

On Wednesday, January 13, 2016, I decided not to go to school to spend some time with him since his flight was supposedly the next day. I thought we're gonna reconcile, but he broke up with me that day. It felt like I want to fucking die. I thought I'm going to skip this stage in my life because he was my first love and things were getting serious between us. It felt like I was left alone in the air.

I saw their conversation, no matter how much he insisted not to show me, I found a way. And man, did I regret it! When they met each other, we were still together but he told her that I'm his ex and a really good friend that's why he's staying at my place. I didn't know he's capable of doing such thing. Looks like the guy I fell in love with has disappeared.

To make the story short, he picked her over me. I'm trying to be strong for myself. I'm trying to look at the positive side but there are really times where I'll just break down in tears.

Earlier this afternoon, while I was having a nap, I dreamed of him. I woke up and cried. I still couldn't believe this is happening to me. Everything's so fucked up. I don't want to live anymore. Fuck.

To my first love and first heart break,

So you’re mad at me because I wouldn’t fap with you, although I still want to see you do it? It’s been almost 24 hours already and you’re still mad? You really think you have the right to be mad just because I refuse to touch myself in front of you while I still want to see you touch yourself? I mean, yeah sure, I know it’s kinda unfair that I want to see you do it even if I won’t return the favour but is it really that reasonable for to still be mad at me? Shouldn’t I be the one pissed off because of your shallow reason not to skype with me? Oh wait, you said you’re happy by just being quiet? Are you trying to say that your life is not happy with me in it? Are you trying to break up with me? Wow. I didn’t know you’re this shallow.

You know what? If you’re gonna end things between us, make sure to do it via skype call because I don’t want to be dumped over a text message. Have the balls to do it at least in front of my virtual face.

Maybe my life would be happier, too, if you’ll get out of the fucking picture. I’m gonna be able to focus on my studies and be successful because unlike you, I actually have dreams and goals in life. Maybe once I’m already successful I’m gonna be able to meet someone who would not get upset just because I don’t want to touch myself in front of him while he does the same thing to himself. You’re a disgusting piece of shit.

Maybe we’re really not meant for each other, just like that movie we’ve watched. After 3 years, maybe it’s time to stop pretending that we still care for each other. Well, I still do care about you but I don’t think you still have the same feelings for me because if you still do, you wouldn’t dare to hurt and break my heart.

I’m probably miserable right now but eventually, I will be okay with everything. I will be okay without you in my life.

Self-pity

"Self-pity is the psychological state of mind of an individual in perceived adverse situations who has not accepted the situation and does not have the confidence nor competence to cope with it. It is characterized by a person's belief that he or she is the victim of unfortunate circumstances or events and is therefore deserving of condolence. Self-pity is generally regarded as a negative emotion in that it does not generally help deal with adverse situations."

Lach is totally right. I self-pity all the time. I always feel like the victim and I want him to apologize to me every time we have an argument. Is this a mental problem? I would like my mind to die right now just so I could have a peaceful mind and get some sleep. I don't want to overthink things anymore because I think that's making me do self-pity. Whenever I overthink of something, I always end up with the conclusion that I am the victim and this person needs to apologize to me. I hate myself so much. 

Trouble in Paradise

Lach and I are in a complicated situation right now. I don't know anymore. He got shitty at me for making plans for what I will do with uni. My first plan was to shift course, graduate on time, get a job before migrating to Australia. He got shitty because he said that I'm causing him a stupid amount of money and causing him not to have a regular job for not migrating there as soon as I graduate. I'm pretty sure that before we got into this argument, I already told him that I have already omitted that thought in my mind because I noticed that he's already getting shitty. And then when I started reading to him my plans, he was still shitty. I don't know if he forgot that I'm not going to go with my original plan anymore or he was just really not listening to me because I'm 100% sure that I told him about it.

He ended our video call because I was already getting mad and yelling, I think. And then I lowered down my pride and asked him to talk to me because I'm not gonna be able to sleep if we're not in good terms. I called him quite a few times but he's not answering. He messaged me that he doesn't want to talk to me because he's not in the mood anymore. I kept on pleading that he answer the call but he wouldn't. It felt like he's breaking up with me. I told him what I felt and he repeated that he's not in the mood anymore and that he's not breaking up with him and that I should not pull that card on him because it's not gonna work. 

I don't know  how can he resist me like this. How can he sleep with an awful feeling? How can he just sleep everything off and not pity me? I already said my sorry but he just ignored it. I shouldn't have really expected anything. I didn't know he's gonna treat me like this. I thought he's going to be that kind of guy who can't resist talking to me and go crazy whenever we don't have an overnight video call. Because I am like  that. He used to be like that. Maybe he has already fallen out of love. I don't even know anymore. I don't know if this is just me feeling stressed because I haven't studied yet what I need to study and because I'm still thinking whether I should shift or not (this is a a really big decision). And now he's acting like this.

Maybe he's not the kind of person I fell in love with anymore. Maybe he doesn't love me anymore. Maybe this is just stress but it's making me want to end things with him already. Maybe we  fell in love at the wrong time and now we're stuck because nobody wants to break up with anybody. Maybe I should start being the tough guy and do the tough work. Maybe this  is  the right decision. Maybe we're not right for each other and this is just going to be a lesson. Maybe this is going to be my first heartbreak. Maybe we should say our last goodbye. 

Dear Lachlan,

I love you. I always have. I love your smile, your eyes, your beard, your eye lashes, your eye brows, your teeth, your belly, your smelly feet, your everything. I have come to accept every flaw you have that I know. Even your small amount of attention span. I'm totally crazy about you. You've become a big part of my world since the first time we talked.

These past few days, it feels like you're slipping away from my grasp. I understand that you're trying to have fun in Bali and forget all the problems and stress back home, but please don't neglect me. You can have fun all you want but can't you at least spend even juts 5 minutes of your time to call me? Is that too much to ask? 

At first, I thought it's probably juts me PMSing. I even cried last Sunday because you keep on ignoring me. When you said no overnight calls while you're in Bali, I didn't expect it to be no  calls at all. You barely message me, too. I'm trying to understand but I couldn't. If you're really into us, why can't you spare a little time to at least communicate with me? When you were in Bali last year, you would even go sleep in the living room just so we can have an overnight call but now seems to be different. Have you fallen out of love? Have you found somebody actually worth of your precious time? Did I do something wrong? Am I too ugly or too fat now?

Earlier, I asked you to call me tonight and you agreed. Tonight came and I'm still waiting for your call. You sent me a 3 second video and said that that's it. I asked  what about the call. You told me that you're not trying to neglect me but there are people around. By people, you meant your family and friend. Remember when you called me yesterday in Viber because I asked you to? I was at the student lounge where a lot of strangers are around. I didn't mind them and still answered your call because I've been wanting to see your face and hear your voice. Now you're telling me I have to understand that you cannot call me because your family and friend are around? Is it me or you're just really not into me anymore?

Please tell me soon so I don't have to waste my time waiting for your texts and calls. Tell me soon so we can end this, whatever we have here, as soon as we can. 

Sad, frustrated, and mad.

I've wanted to cry ever since this morning but I only got to let it out now.

I hate Lach with compassion. Ever since he got to Bali, he rarely messages me. He wouldn't viber me if I wouldn't viber him first. It's just so fucking frustrating! I understand that he's with family and that they are busy being out and enjoying Bali. But can't he find just a minute to message me? I just hate being ignored especially by him. Being on a holiday doesn't give you the fucking right to ignore me. You can't tell me "Please be considerate" etc etc. I am trying to be considerate but can't you call me at least once a day? The distance between us is already killing me, don't make the communication difficult, too because I might go crazy. I messaged him earlier this morning if he could at least call me because I miss him so bad and I don't feel alright. He messaged me after a few hours and said that they will head out again soon. It was alright for me, I understand. Two hours later, he posted a picture of him in a pool. That means he's already in the villa for a good forty-five minutes now (because the post says it was posted 45 minutes ago) but he didn't even bother messaging or calling me given that he has knowledge of my loneliness.  I was so hurt. It feels like he's purposely ignoring me. Am I part of those things he left behind in Australia? Is he trying to enjoy the peace thinking that he doesn't have to deal with me that much? What I'm feeling right now is a mixture of sadness and anger.

Times like this when he's giving me the chance to have second thoughts whether he's the right one for me or not. Maybe I'm also mad at the conclusion that he's not thinking of me as much as I am thinking of him.

BALI

In my first post about Bali, I have listed the reasons why I should not come join my boyfriend and his family in Bali. My boyfriend didn't stop persuading me to go or he will stop and not talk to me at all unless I say yes. Finally, I have come to a decision to go and join them on August 26 - 29. I will be not attending 2 says of uni which isn't that bad. I will be missing some lessons but I'll try to catch up. Our midterm exams just ended and we're now in our final term. And in less than a week, I will be flying to Bali.

I don't know what made me change my mind. Perhaps because I love my boyfriend so much that I would miss uni just to see him? Maybe I couldn't stand him not talking to me for a day or two? Maybe because I am really really thirst for another out of the country travel? Yeah, it's probably all of those reasons. It's all good, though. Aside from the lessons, I'm not gonna miss anything much. And at least I'm gonna be able to celebrate Lach's birthday with him. This is gonna be the first time that we're going to see each other in the middle of the year. Usually it's either May or December. I'm pretty stoked, to be honest. I can't wait to finally see him, hug him, and kiss him again. I can't wait to cuddle him in bed and to have midnight sex. I'm pretty excited for Bali, too! This is going to be my second time to go out of the country and it's the same year as my first! How cool is that?