To my first love and first heart break,

So you’re mad at me because I wouldn’t fap with you, although I still want to see you do it? It’s been almost 24 hours already and you’re still mad? You really think you have the right to be mad just because I refuse to touch myself in front of you while I still want to see you touch yourself? I mean, yeah sure, I know it’s kinda unfair that I want to see you do it even if I won’t return the favour but is it really that reasonable for to still be mad at me? Shouldn’t I be the one pissed off because of your shallow reason not to skype with me? Oh wait, you said you’re happy by just being quiet? Are you trying to say that your life is not happy with me in it? Are you trying to break up with me? Wow. I didn’t know you’re this shallow.

You know what? If you’re gonna end things between us, make sure to do it via skype call because I don’t want to be dumped over a text message. Have the balls to do it at least in front of my virtual face.

Maybe my life would be happier, too, if you’ll get out of the fucking picture. I’m gonna be able to focus on my studies and be successful because unlike you, I actually have dreams and goals in life. Maybe once I’m already successful I’m gonna be able to meet someone who would not get upset just because I don’t want to touch myself in front of him while he does the same thing to himself. You’re a disgusting piece of shit.

Maybe we’re really not meant for each other, just like that movie we’ve watched. After 3 years, maybe it’s time to stop pretending that we still care for each other. Well, I still do care about you but I don’t think you still have the same feelings for me because if you still do, you wouldn’t dare to hurt and break my heart.

I’m probably miserable right now but eventually, I will be okay with everything. I will be okay without you in my life.

Self-pity

"Self-pity is the psychological state of mind of an individual in perceived adverse situations who has not accepted the situation and does not have the confidence nor competence to cope with it. It is characterized by a person's belief that he or she is the victim of unfortunate circumstances or events and is therefore deserving of condolence. Self-pity is generally regarded as a negative emotion in that it does not generally help deal with adverse situations."

Lach is totally right. I self-pity all the time. I always feel like the victim and I want him to apologize to me every time we have an argument. Is this a mental problem? I would like my mind to die right now just so I could have a peaceful mind and get some sleep. I don't want to overthink things anymore because I think that's making me do self-pity. Whenever I overthink of something, I always end up with the conclusion that I am the victim and this person needs to apologize to me. I hate myself so much. 

Trouble in Paradise

Lach and I are in a complicated situation right now. I don't know anymore. He got shitty at me for making plans for what I will do with uni. My first plan was to shift course, graduate on time, get a job before migrating to Australia. He got shitty because he said that I'm causing him a stupid amount of money and causing him not to have a regular job for not migrating there as soon as I graduate. I'm pretty sure that before we got into this argument, I already told him that I have already omitted that thought in my mind because I noticed that he's already getting shitty. And then when I started reading to him my plans, he was still shitty. I don't know if he forgot that I'm not going to go with my original plan anymore or he was just really not listening to me because I'm 100% sure that I told him about it.

He ended our video call because I was already getting mad and yelling, I think. And then I lowered down my pride and asked him to talk to me because I'm not gonna be able to sleep if we're not in good terms. I called him quite a few times but he's not answering. He messaged me that he doesn't want to talk to me because he's not in the mood anymore. I kept on pleading that he answer the call but he wouldn't. It felt like he's breaking up with me. I told him what I felt and he repeated that he's not in the mood anymore and that he's not breaking up with him and that I should not pull that card on him because it's not gonna work. 

I don't know  how can he resist me like this. How can he sleep with an awful feeling? How can he just sleep everything off and not pity me? I already said my sorry but he just ignored it. I shouldn't have really expected anything. I didn't know he's gonna treat me like this. I thought he's going to be that kind of guy who can't resist talking to me and go crazy whenever we don't have an overnight video call. Because I am like  that. He used to be like that. Maybe he has already fallen out of love. I don't even know anymore. I don't know if this is just me feeling stressed because I haven't studied yet what I need to study and because I'm still thinking whether I should shift or not (this is a a really big decision). And now he's acting like this.

Maybe he's not the kind of person I fell in love with anymore. Maybe he doesn't love me anymore. Maybe this is just stress but it's making me want to end things with him already. Maybe we  fell in love at the wrong time and now we're stuck because nobody wants to break up with anybody. Maybe I should start being the tough guy and do the tough work. Maybe this  is  the right decision. Maybe we're not right for each other and this is just going to be a lesson. Maybe this is going to be my first heartbreak. Maybe we should say our last goodbye. 

Dear Lachlan,

I love you. I always have. I love your smile, your eyes, your beard, your eye lashes, your eye brows, your teeth, your belly, your smelly feet, your everything. I have come to accept every flaw you have that I know. Even your small amount of attention span. I'm totally crazy about you. You've become a big part of my world since the first time we talked.

These past few days, it feels like you're slipping away from my grasp. I understand that you're trying to have fun in Bali and forget all the problems and stress back home, but please don't neglect me. You can have fun all you want but can't you at least spend even juts 5 minutes of your time to call me? Is that too much to ask? 

At first, I thought it's probably juts me PMSing. I even cried last Sunday because you keep on ignoring me. When you said no overnight calls while you're in Bali, I didn't expect it to be no  calls at all. You barely message me, too. I'm trying to understand but I couldn't. If you're really into us, why can't you spare a little time to at least communicate with me? When you were in Bali last year, you would even go sleep in the living room just so we can have an overnight call but now seems to be different. Have you fallen out of love? Have you found somebody actually worth of your precious time? Did I do something wrong? Am I too ugly or too fat now?

Earlier, I asked you to call me tonight and you agreed. Tonight came and I'm still waiting for your call. You sent me a 3 second video and said that that's it. I asked  what about the call. You told me that you're not trying to neglect me but there are people around. By people, you meant your family and friend. Remember when you called me yesterday in Viber because I asked you to? I was at the student lounge where a lot of strangers are around. I didn't mind them and still answered your call because I've been wanting to see your face and hear your voice. Now you're telling me I have to understand that you cannot call me because your family and friend are around? Is it me or you're just really not into me anymore?

Please tell me soon so I don't have to waste my time waiting for your texts and calls. Tell me soon so we can end this, whatever we have here, as soon as we can. 

Sad, frustrated, and mad.

I've wanted to cry ever since this morning but I only got to let it out now.

I hate Lach with compassion. Ever since he got to Bali, he rarely messages me. He wouldn't viber me if I wouldn't viber him first. It's just so fucking frustrating! I understand that he's with family and that they are busy being out and enjoying Bali. But can't he find just a minute to message me? I just hate being ignored especially by him. Being on a holiday doesn't give you the fucking right to ignore me. You can't tell me "Please be considerate" etc etc. I am trying to be considerate but can't you call me at least once a day? The distance between us is already killing me, don't make the communication difficult, too because I might go crazy. I messaged him earlier this morning if he could at least call me because I miss him so bad and I don't feel alright. He messaged me after a few hours and said that they will head out again soon. It was alright for me, I understand. Two hours later, he posted a picture of him in a pool. That means he's already in the villa for a good forty-five minutes now (because the post says it was posted 45 minutes ago) but he didn't even bother messaging or calling me given that he has knowledge of my loneliness.  I was so hurt. It feels like he's purposely ignoring me. Am I part of those things he left behind in Australia? Is he trying to enjoy the peace thinking that he doesn't have to deal with me that much? What I'm feeling right now is a mixture of sadness and anger.

Times like this when he's giving me the chance to have second thoughts whether he's the right one for me or not. Maybe I'm also mad at the conclusion that he's not thinking of me as much as I am thinking of him.

BALI

In my first post about Bali, I have listed the reasons why I should not come join my boyfriend and his family in Bali. My boyfriend didn't stop persuading me to go or he will stop and not talk to me at all unless I say yes. Finally, I have come to a decision to go and join them on August 26 - 29. I will be not attending 2 says of uni which isn't that bad. I will be missing some lessons but I'll try to catch up. Our midterm exams just ended and we're now in our final term. And in less than a week, I will be flying to Bali.

I don't know what made me change my mind. Perhaps because I love my boyfriend so much that I would miss uni just to see him? Maybe I couldn't stand him not talking to me for a day or two? Maybe because I am really really thirst for another out of the country travel? Yeah, it's probably all of those reasons. It's all good, though. Aside from the lessons, I'm not gonna miss anything much. And at least I'm gonna be able to celebrate Lach's birthday with him. This is gonna be the first time that we're going to see each other in the middle of the year. Usually it's either May or December. I'm pretty stoked, to be honest. I can't wait to finally see him, hug him, and kiss him again. I can't wait to cuddle him in bed and to have midnight sex. I'm pretty excited for Bali, too! This is going to be my second time to go out of the country and it's the same year as my first! How cool is that? 

Tiangge and Open Kitchen 48.

Sorry that I have not posted something in a while. I just lack the motivation. I've been busy ever since new school year started. As of now, we're already in our midterms. Some of our prelim exams were delayed for a week because of the storm. But it's all good now because we're done. That doesn't mean we can start chilling though.

Anyway, today was great! My parents, my brother, and I went to tiangge in Taytay Rizal just to look around and check what they offer there. Of course, we ended up buying a lot of clothes because almost everything was cheap there. I was too shy to take pictures although there weren't much people. I only bought one pair of pants for myself and I got Lach 3 pairs of boxer shorts. They were only P200 for 3! If you're going to buy that in department stores it would be P200 for only a pair. And I also bought a pair of boxers for P100. I wouldn't say it's cheap but it's not expensive either. Guess what's the design.

South Park!! How cool is that?

After buying, we went back to Pasig and drove around Kapitolyo looking for a place to eat. We ended up eating at Open Kitchen 48. At first, we were a bit unsure because it looks fancy and everything in the menu are expensive. But we still pushed through because dad was already hungry. We only ordered 3 meals: 9" Margharita pizza, grilled chicken breasts with mashed potato and some veggies, and pesto pasta with grilled chicken breasts. Good thing we didn't leave because the food was amazing! It's worth every cent. The ambiance was really nice, too. The owner was there and he's very accommodating.  The restaurant has tables outside as well as a garden where they get the herbs they serve. So cool!

If you're feeling a little generous and want to treat yourself, this restaurant is highly recommended!

No Bali For Me

Earlier, we found this cheap return flight to Bali worth almost P5,000 (AUD150) only. But the there's a catch: I'm leaving on August 24 (Tues) and will be back on August 29(Saturday). My boyfriend has been asking me to come to Bali, ever since I was still in Australia, to meet him and celebrate his birthday together with his family. The thing is, I can't. Why?

1. I have uni.
2. If I'm going there, that will require me to skip 3 days of uni.
3. I already have 7 majors this semester, and in my course, students need to get at least 2.5(85) in their major subjects or else they will need to retake or shift.
4. I just went to Australia last month, and that made me miss 4 summer classes.
5. We spend too much money on leisure.

I mean, I want to see my boyfriend so much. I really do. It's just that I can't afford to miss 10 classes in exchange of having fun. We've already done a lot of having fun when I was in Australia. Also, I have the whole month of October off to do fun stuff with him. But going to another country in the middle of semester? That's too much. I have no idea if we're going to have quizzes or exams on the days I'm supposed to be skipping. Also, my parents do not approve of this either. They're unsure about me skipping 3 uni days, too. I don't want them to think of him as a bad influence in my studies. My parents really like and trust him a lot, and I don't want to ruin that.

After I told him my reasons, he stopped replying to my messages. He's probably upset right now, and I understand. I'm trying to explain to him the possible consequences  of missing 3 days of uni. He kept on saying earlier that I can just lie about my absences, but I can't do that. There's this person who told me that I'm not going to lose a lot in those 3 days, but you'll never really know. Those 3 days could save my (hopefully not) failing grades.

I need to give my focus more on my studies. If ever I don't get that quota grade, I will have to retake that subject/s, which will make my graduation more delay than it already is. I've made a deal with my parents that when I finished my degree, they will let me to do whatever the fuck I want with my life (that means living in Australia). I love my boyfriend so much, but sometimes we need to make sacrifices. It's not easy for me to turn down his offer but I'm doing this for the both of us.

Lach, please understand. I love you so much. I cannot afford to lose you over this Bali trip.

Partial Scholarship & Overload Units & Life Decisions

Looking back at my previous blog post, I went to Australia for 7 weeks to visit my boyfriend, and to meet his family. I just got back here in Manila last Sunday, May 17. I knew I had to go back to school the next day to enroll myself and fix my partial scholarship.

WARNING: This is going to be a long ass blog post because I'm going to narrate what happened to me from May 18 to May 20.

On Monday May 18, I was having second thoughts of going to school because my friend, who's supposed to go back to school as well to fix her scholarship, hasn't received her summer class grades yet which is needed in applying for scholarship. But then I thought, ahh fuck it I'm going to school so I can get it done early. I asked my brother to come with since he's so bored just hanging out in the house. When we got there, I tried to do the enrollment first. I had to enroll for 30 units, which is already overload, to retake Law 23(Accountancy students in my school need to get at least 2.5 or higher in their major subjects to continue in the course, or else you'll need to retake it or shift course, and unfortunately, I have to retake Law 23 because I didn't get the quota grade). You know what happens when you want to take overload units; it's a long and exhausting process of going back to registrar and Dean's office to get the required signatures. I didn't know that yet, though. I just went to Accountancy chairman to inquire what to do. She said something about getting this undertaking form, and get the Dean and registrar's signature. This was my second time today to have second thoughts on doing something. I didn't know if I still wanted to pursue retaking that subject because that requires going back to third floor to get the form and to go back and forth from building to building. I also have no idea what is my plan if  ever I don't get to retake this subject this semester. I didn't want to deal with it at that moment. I just told myself that when I get home, I'll look at curriculum of this course and make a plan. So instead, I just went to the guidance office to get that scholarship I've always wanted. People in that place are just really kind of sassy, and I sometimes thing they're unprofessional due to how they response to the students (of course, unless you're already known by them). Anyway, I really have no choice but to go there and suck it up. This lady made me fill up an application and undertaking form. I was told to go back tomorrow because those forms still need the approval of their boss. It was pretty funny because their boss was just there, but you know, I don't know. He's probably busy or something. After that, I just took my brother to Greenfield to eat and buy some stuff. So to wrap it up, this day was not that successful, plus I get headaches every now and then. Probably because of jetlag.

The next day May 19, I went back to school around 1pm. I already planned what I'm going to do right before I left. I concluded that I'm not really going to get my diploma in time because I still have some minor subjects I missed this summer that I'll just going to take it next summer. There is no way I'm not going to retake Law 23 this semester because that will make me more delay than I already am. Here is what I came up with:

(I secretly just want to drop out and go back to Australia and live there permanently!!! But I can't because I made a deal with my parents that I'm going to get my degree first before they will allow me to migrate to Australia. *BIG SIGH*)

So basically, I'm going to be an Octoberian which is not a bad thing at all. I'll just probably not graduate on the same month as my batchmates(that's still tentative because you'll never know when you're not going to get a quota grade again!!). When I got to school, I didn't know which one to do first. I looked at the enrollment room first and saw a line so I decided to go to the guidance first. I'm glad I did because I didn't wait that long to get my discount form. I went out of that office with a smile on my face because after 4 semesters, I'm finally a scholar! It really felt good that I have finally helped my parents in paying my tuition since Ben Jo, my youngest brother, just enrolled for college, too. The lady said that the Dean's signature is needed for that discount form to be valid. But before going to the Dean, I went back to the enrollment room to get the undertaking form. From building H, I walked to building A to look for the Dean. Turns out he's in a meeting and the guy said that he will be back by 3pm. That was only 1:30pm. I just gave myself some pep talk on how I just need to be patient. It's not like I was in a hurry or something so I just waited. While waiting, I thought of going to Ma'am Daisy to talk about the overload units. She told me that I'm talking to the wrong person because the registrar is the one handling this kind of situation. I thought it was fine because registrar is just right in front of her office but my positivity was lowered when I saw a line of students. Again, I gave myself some pep talk on patience so I just lined up. The lady in registrar gave me the same form I got from the enrollment room. I filled that up and gave it back to her but she said that I still need to get the Dean and head registrar's signature. Since the Dean was still not done with the meeting, I really have no choice but to wait in front of his office. I just assumed that I must get the Dean's signature first before the registrar because I thought that I'll come back to the registrar later anyway. That's when Aisha, Menang, and Angelica came. At least I have some people I can kill time with. It's kinda funny because when they submitted their application form for the scholarship that day, they received the discount form right away. But I just set that aside because I'm already done with it. I tend to overthink sometimes regarding things that aren't that important. We went to McDonald's to have late lunch while waiting for the Dean. When we got back, it looked like that he has been there for quite a while now seeing that the people waiting outside his office has already vanished. We didn't have to wait that long to get his signature for the discount form,  but for the undertaking form, I still needed to see him. And that's the time when my worst nightmare has started; He told me to get the registrar's signature first before he will sign it. My eyes just went wide open because I didn't think that the registrar must sign first before him. I had a lot of time earlier that I just wasted. I wanted to pull my hair that time because I was so stupid for not asking whose signature to get first. I went to the registrar and I was told to look for Mr. Benjie at the enrollment room. So I walked back to that room again. When I got there, Mr. Benjie was not around. They weren't sure if he's still coming back or not. But I didn't give up and I just stayed there for a good 5 minutes, and viola! There he was walking into the room while I have a big grin on my face. He just asked me a few questions, and it looked like he is not the kind of person who smiles a lot. I didn't bother overthinking about that and went straight back to the Dean's office to get his signature. Then I went back again to the enrollment room to finally enroll. I was ecstatic once again because after going back and forth from building A to building H, I'm finally done! But boy was I wrong. When I was about to enroll, the enroller guy told me that there is another form to fill up. Again, my eyes went wide and all I could say was, "Po? Iba pa po ba ito?" referring to the undertaking form, and he nodded. It felt like my dream was torn into millions of pieces. I gave myself some pep talk again and filled that second form and walked back to the Dean's office. The lights went out for a second then it went back. When I was already with the Dean in his cubicle, he was wondering what happened to his PC. I explained that the power went off earlier. He couldn't open it anymore and asked me nicely to come back tomorrow morning. At that moment, I didn't know what to feel anymore. I just smiled at him and politely showed my way out of his office. I was more sad than pissed that time. It's probably because I was in school for 5 hours and I accomplished nothing. And I was so exhausted that I just wanted to go home and sleep it off.

May 20, I woke up hoping this day is gonna be the day of my enrollment. Fortunately, my parents went to McDonald's at Sta. Ana to meet someone. I went with them to get free breakfast and free ride. When I got to school, I went straight to the Dean's office to get his signature. It went smoothly; he didn't asked that much question. At that moment, I was finally feeling the success I've been waiting for since Monday. I walked to the enrollment room to get the last signature I need. After getting his signature, he told me to sit in front of the woman he was talking to to enroll. She had a small problem and couldn't access my schedule, and asked if I was already enrolled. I said no, not yet. Sir Benjie just laughed and said that I just made my life difficult for getting that second form because apparently, I do not need it to overload. That form is only used if you're going to add, withdraw, or drop any subject you have already enrolled. I fell silent. I wanted to say that one of the enrollers told me to fill up the second form to be able to enroll. But I was not able to say anything because I was so shocked and fucking pissed. I do not like myself whenever I'm pissed because the things coming out of my mouth is something anyone would not want to hear. Also, there was no available slot anymore to that schedule I picked so I ended up getting the shitty one which is M/W 7:30-9:00pm. I now have 6 subjects every M/W from 7:30 in the morning until 9:00 in the evening.

You can probably say I'm that person who opens and closes the school. How fuck up is that?

Australia is GREAT! pt.1

In my 18 years and 8 months of existence, I have only traveled once. Last March 26, I flew to Australia to visit my boyfriend and to meet his family. It was a mixed feelings, to be honest. I was terrified because 1. I have never entered an airport (only at the waiting area, and me travelling from Kuwait to Philippines as an infant does not count), 2. In regards to #1, obviously I have no idea what it was like in an airplane, 3. I was alone!!!, and 4. My first travel via airplane, as a person who actually remembers what's happening around her, is in a foreign country where most people do not speak my native language at all. I love speaking in English but the jitters will not go away that easily. You'll never know when is your brain going to betray you in speaking your second language. I was excited because 1. I'm going to see my boyfriend again!!!!, and 2. It's fucking Australia, m8!

My first experience of being in an airplane was alright. I wouldn't say it was great because you'll hear the engine for the rest of the trip, and you'll not get that much sleep if you're not used of sleeping while sitting. I had nobody to talk to, although the Australian man beside me tried to offer a small chat every once in a while. I also have no idea what to say in regards to the flight attendants' attitude. I mean, some were nice that actually smiles, but most of them were just poker face. I really don't like people who doesn't smile that much because it gives me this impression that they are sassy. Also, I wasn't able to bring a book with me because my bag is so full already. So I just watched this movie that Lach told me to watch while on a plane. Guess what? It was "United 93" which is about one of the planes that crashed during 9/11. I guess his goal was to make me more terrified than I already was, but he failed. I have a soft spot in my heart when it comes to 9/11. 

I didn't have a direct flight. I had a stop over at Melbourne for 3 hours before going to Adelaide. The line in the immigration was so long. I was also not sure where the fuck to go after that. I tried to ask the other Filipinos in the line but they didn't help that much so I ended up asking the staffs I saw on my way to the carousel. Good thing Melbourne Airport was just a one establishment where every terminal is just walking distance from one to the other. After checking in, I met this Filipina who had the exact same flight with me, both MNL to MEL and MEL to ADL. We chatted for a while and I learnt that she's here for the same reason as I have: to visit her boyfriend. I didn't tell her that I was there to visit my boyfriend as well, though. I have no idea why did I do that. Haha!

When we landed in Adelaide, the first person I saw as I got off the plane was Fletcher, Lach's 5 year old cousin. He was standing behind this glass divider. I was actually impressed that people who are juts picking up were allowed in that area, because back in the Philippines, the family or friends of the passenger/s were not even allowed to go inside the establishment. That moment, I felt so happy and proud of myself. After 3 mos of just skyping, I finally saw my boyfriend again flesh to flesh and this time with Big Daniel, and Fletcher who is very adorable! It's probably one of the best days of my life.