Self-pity

"Self-pity is the psychological state of mind of an individual in perceived adverse situations who has not accepted the situation and does not have the confidence nor competence to cope with it. It is characterized by a person's belief that he or she is the victim of unfortunate circumstances or events and is therefore deserving of condolence. Self-pity is generally regarded as a negative emotion in that it does not generally help deal with adverse situations."

Lach is totally right. I self-pity all the time. I always feel like the victim and I want him to apologize to me every time we have an argument. Is this a mental problem? I would like my mind to die right now just so I could have a peaceful mind and get some sleep. I don't want to overthink things anymore because I think that's making me do self-pity. Whenever I overthink of something, I always end up with the conclusion that I am the victim and this person needs to apologize to me. I hate myself so much. 

Trouble in Paradise

Lach and I are in a complicated situation right now. I don't know anymore. He got shitty at me for making plans for what I will do with uni. My first plan was to shift course, graduate on time, get a job before migrating to Australia. He got shitty because he said that I'm causing him a stupid amount of money and causing him not to have a regular job for not migrating there as soon as I graduate. I'm pretty sure that before we got into this argument, I already told him that I have already omitted that thought in my mind because I noticed that he's already getting shitty. And then when I started reading to him my plans, he was still shitty. I don't know if he forgot that I'm not going to go with my original plan anymore or he was just really not listening to me because I'm 100% sure that I told him about it.

He ended our video call because I was already getting mad and yelling, I think. And then I lowered down my pride and asked him to talk to me because I'm not gonna be able to sleep if we're not in good terms. I called him quite a few times but he's not answering. He messaged me that he doesn't want to talk to me because he's not in the mood anymore. I kept on pleading that he answer the call but he wouldn't. It felt like he's breaking up with me. I told him what I felt and he repeated that he's not in the mood anymore and that he's not breaking up with him and that I should not pull that card on him because it's not gonna work. 

I don't know  how can he resist me like this. How can he sleep with an awful feeling? How can he just sleep everything off and not pity me? I already said my sorry but he just ignored it. I shouldn't have really expected anything. I didn't know he's gonna treat me like this. I thought he's going to be that kind of guy who can't resist talking to me and go crazy whenever we don't have an overnight video call. Because I am like  that. He used to be like that. Maybe he has already fallen out of love. I don't even know anymore. I don't know if this is just me feeling stressed because I haven't studied yet what I need to study and because I'm still thinking whether I should shift or not (this is a a really big decision). And now he's acting like this.

Maybe he's not the kind of person I fell in love with anymore. Maybe he doesn't love me anymore. Maybe this is just stress but it's making me want to end things with him already. Maybe we  fell in love at the wrong time and now we're stuck because nobody wants to break up with anybody. Maybe I should start being the tough guy and do the tough work. Maybe this  is  the right decision. Maybe we're not right for each other and this is just going to be a lesson. Maybe this is going to be my first heartbreak. Maybe we should say our last goodbye.